2025年开始的时候，我没有料想到这一年会是这样。
这一年，我把自己的思绪和情感用照片、视频和文字记录下来和传递出去。一些公开，更多的没有分享给任何人。
上半年似乎是近些年来我记得最快乐的时光，下半年我却一直在哭泣，直到最后这一个半月我才有所好转。
我一直在尝试了解自己，可当我以为我找到答案时，答案却离我而去。
生日前夕在最喜欢的作家故居，重新审视陪伴我这么多年的孤独和我内心渴求的情感。我依然没有figure it out，我只知道我依旧被一直以来支配我的东西所支配，只是我同时也可以凭借自己的智慧和毅力去把我日常的生活过好，不让自己被任何事物所摧毁。
就像十几年前我会在这时候写的年终日志那样，我依旧不会放弃希望。
我对生活的感悟离不开我对音乐、影像、文字和其他艺术形式的感悟，然而我也明白：生活不是电影，没有剧本，我们也不是其中的角色。即使我跟再多的电影和歌曲共鸣，再怎么为之流泪，它们讲的也都不是我的故事。我深知自己体验情感的方式深刻而剧烈，这也意味着我体会的任何情感都被放大。然而就像我生日时写下的文字那样：我不想失去这种敏感。
到头来，我总是会记得那些令我快乐的时刻，哪怕再深的痛苦也不会将它们侵蚀。
感谢在我难过时给予关心的每一个人。虽然我也想过告别社交媒体，在网络上做隐士，但其实我内心十分渴望和人们在网上建立联系和交流，毕竟很多我在乎的人都不在我身边。
我一直都在“找存在感”。我想知道我活着，想知道我的存在有意义，也想告诉所有人我还好，我还在这里。我依然对生活抱有希望。
在罗马尼亚一望无际的大雪里，在见证了六个世纪变迁的教堂里，在冰冷而静谧的墓园里，当我在每一处驻足，脑海里都有同样的念头。
这念头有两部分。其中一部分是：希望2026年，我能活得更勇敢和坚强。
In 2026, I want to approach everything with more intention and a stronger will. I spend too much time on the internet doing mindless scrolling, consuming content that grants short-lived gratification and temporarily numbs my pain, but ultimately dulls my thinking, not to mention social media is inundated with AI-generated junk. Emptiness begets emptiness.
I need for myself more creativity (especially to combat AI); more scholarship (I don’t know if this is the year I’ll write an article for publishing but at least I can start thinking of a topic); more connection with people in real life; more connection with nature; less consumption but more ethical consumption; more support for other artists and good causes; more exercise and more water.
I really want 2026 to be a year of focusing on and bettering myself, which is easier said than done. But I know it is the only path to healing. I need to love myself with the same intensity that I experience other emotions. I need to ingrain self-love as deeply as the other things that have taken root inside me. I’m not broken. I just need to take better care of myself.
The past is extremely important to me, but the future matters even more. I want a future where I can feel happy and peaceful, where I can make peace with my Sehnsucht that will always be part of me.
I want to keep resisting and trying to do good in this fucked-up world, even when my efforts might seem futile sometimes. I know that everything I do and say matters, and I will not lose hope.
I will always have hope. I will always have love. «οὔτοι συνέχθειν, ἀλλὰ συμφιλεῖν ἔφυν.»